Deja vu

So, I thought I'd come and write something anonymously up here but imagine my surprise when I found I already had an account... AND had already written something. Obviously I had that same idea not quite 2 years ago. The really funny part is I was going to write almost exactly the same thing that I wrote last time. I guess nothing has changed... and probably never will.

How did I get here?

So, here I am... married with 2 kids and feeling alone. My husband and I had known each other for 20 years through mutual friends though we had no real friendship of our own. A few years ago we found ourselves both sharing a bed for a week. Since we'd both been unattached for a while there seemed no harm in a little action between friends. We actually kept it to light fooling around until the final night when we "did the deed". This was actually his call although I was not exactly stopping him. As with all harmless ideas, this one wasn't either. That one time got us pregnant. He'd never been the most responsible person I knew and I was terrified at the thought of having to rely on him at all. But he really surprised me. He rushed right out, got a job, made a point of spending time getting to know my daughter and became very attentive to me. We both took it very slow and let a real friendship develop instead of trying to force a relationship. We went the entire pregnancy as friends (no sex or fooling around at all) and by the end we were very close friends. I have to admit though that I had fallen in love with him during that time. After our son was born, my husband saw me differently. That's when our real relationship started. We moved in together, "fell in love" and got married. We have just purchased our first home together and life should be great... but it just isn't. The more time goes on the more I'm convinced that he does love me but isn't in love with me. We have almost no sex life (1 time since Valentine's Day) and we have just celebrated our 1st anniversary. Isn't this suppossed to be the "honeymoon period"? He tells me he loves me all the time and doesn't ever leave without kissing me goodbye (you know, a quick peck on the lips) but NEVER kisses me passionately unless we're having sex (which I already said is almost never). He doesn't seem to notice when I am undressed in front of him and as soon as the kids are asleep instead of spending time really WITH each other, we are sitting side by side in silence watching tv... every night... night after night. When we do go out it's to something else where we don't interact (live, loud music or a movie). I'm so lonely. I do genuinely believe he loves me. He has made it possible for me to be a stay at home to our children, he brings his paycheck home every week and gives it to me never asking where it goes, he really leaves most decisions up to me because he wants me "to be happy". He has given me everything I could want from my provider and childrens father, I can't imagine anyone better... but ME, the part of me that is a woman not a mother or homemaker, is desperately crying out to him and he doesn't hear me. He feels he is doing so much everywhere else that me asking for more is more than he can give. He feels like it's never enough for me... he can't do anything right. I have told him so many times that all I need is HIM... but he doesn't get it.

I'm scared. I'm afraid he doesn't love me the way I need him to. I'm scared even if we stick it out, that there is not enough of US to keep us together when the children finally grow up. What do I do? How do I make him hear me?